Cursory MySpace Analysis

Well, after much alarm and debate, I have finally joined MySpace, and already I have a few observations concerning this website and its participants that I would like to consider. First, it has come to my attention that most members of MySpace fit rather agreeably into one or more of five categories, ranging generally from the absurdly plain to the absurdly flamboyant. Let’s begin with the first category, the unwilling participant.

The unwilling participant is one who has been forced by the sheer duress of constant begging of friends to join the website. This individual has posted one picture or less, and usually hasn’t been online in over a month. The total of friends never exceeds 4, and the life details of this enigmatic figure remain undisclosed, with the exception of the basics, e.g., gender, relationship status, location. This person is truly uninteresting for purposes of discussion (because they’re probably normal), so let’s jump right into the preposterous.

The next category up for discussion is the “look at me now” individual. This person utilizes the website as a vehicle for conveying to former friends and acquaintances that they are no longer the aesthetic garbage can they used to be. A few years have passed since high school, and these people have socially evolved into a more complex organism, trading in their Nancy Drew books, board games, and bibles for fake ids, cigarettes, thongs, and a decidedly sexy perspective on life. They are usually involved in a relationship, and prominently display pictures that expressly illustrate the current beauty of both themselves and their superficially enviable significant others. This person is typically a female, and enjoys going clubbing with her girls and spending cozy nights with her douche bag boyfriend, who is tragically unaware of her former life in the shadows of mediocrity. Intention: ignite envy and regret.

The next category is the poser, (also commonly referred to as the epitome of a douche bag) who is chiefly a college student (both university and community) and sometimes a 20 something male who likes to wear his hat sideways, flip his collar, and take pictures of himself with his shirt off (in the more tragic cases, the pictures are professionally done, and sometimes in an alluring black and white). This individual incessantly posts comments on girls’ pages in the vein of “Whaddup Girl! Just wanted to holla attcha!”, “Hey SEXY”, “Just showing some love”, et cetera. This offending individual usually has a headline taken directly from a rap song – offensive, sexy, confident, and definitely pimping. Undoubtedly this retard has a customized page with photos of models and Lamborghinis, suggesting to all the ladies out there that this is his lifestyle, knowing full well he’ll be working at Sound Waves and driving a civic with an offensively clamorous muffler the remainder of his life. But, hey, at least he’s getting laid by high school girls. Intention: Getting laid.

The next individual, who is a direct offshoot of the immediately prior category, is the scary 30 something male, typically a body builder of sorts, and undoubtedly without a shirt, and typically flexing. Even though this individual works at Gold’s Gym or is a “Sale’s Rep.”, and constantly says “bro”, he always earnes over $75,000 per year. To the keen observer, this is a sad case of a man desperately clinging to his glorious 20s, and one who is completely oblivious to the absurdity of his page. His confidence is reinforced, however, by the surfeit of gorgeous albeit mindless women who make suggestive public posts on his page, proclaiming him the “sexiest stud on MySpace.” This guy is clad in a striped shirt on the weekends and is always reaching toward a “goal”. Intention: Getting laid.

The final category I would like to discuss today is the soul-searching/confessing mystery girl. She is probably the most complex of the bunch, as her intentions are not exactly clear – although it probably boils down to a need for attention, even if it exclusively stems from the posers and 30 something males. This girl has Evanescence or some other garbage, post-grunge “rock” band as her background music. She wants to meet someone who is “real” and doesn’t like “mind games”. She can be a “great companion”, but she can also be a “real bitch” with her “no-nonsense” attitude and “expectations”. She doesn’t like “random messages from weird guys” even though she has photos of herself in her underwear. She is just waiting for the right guy to drift her way in this wearily dark world of “players” and “pimps” (see, e.g., Poser, supra). And although she purports to be endlessly insightful, she is far too stupid to appreciate the absurdity of her online soul confession.

That’s all for now. After all, I am new.



Posted by: Gary