Torino: Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars

A Midpoint Review

Every 4 years, the Winter Olympics provide a welcome distraction to the customary garbage that permeates our TV screens: namely, American Idol. Since NBC decides to make itself an Olympic Network, armed with the Olympic rings under its technicolored peacock, you can tune into the events of Torino 24 hours a day on the Universal networks. Of course, NBC does pay $2.2 billion to show us spectacular moments in Cross-Country Skiing, so it might as well show Los Olympicos all day.

Remember, the ancient Greeks didn’t celebrate glorious spectacles such as Ice Dancing and Curling, but it is nonetheless the Olympics. It is tradition. It is a worldwide event. It celebrates homosexuality like no other event other than “Brokeback Mountain.” True to the original concept, the world has stopped all killing in observance of the Greatest Show on Ice and Snow (well, apart from the carnage in the name of evil cartoons.)

So, in case you missed NBC’s tear-jerking profiles of Our Olympians (USA! USA!) and all the intriguing drama of Curling, here is a review. For I am an Olympic expert. I even luged twice in Calgary and broke a scintillating 18 mph:

1. Hot-t-t-t Athletes
Have there ever been this many hotties at the Olympics? Tanith Belbin, Sasha Cohen, Gretchen Bleiler… all models. And some of those Russians look like they came straight out of the St. Petersburg “Ve Vant Amerikhan Husband” mail-order bride catalogue (probably three out of four did). Not to mention the Swede and Norweigian hotletes.

Did they pass out condoms again at the Olympic village? And if so, can I take a break from my Orthopedics rotation for some Gynecology research? The Flying Tomato, snowboarder Shaun White, has the right idea. He told Bob Costas he won the gold medal to win babes: “I’ll just be like.. hey baby.. and then, you know, flash this thing around my neck…yeah baby.”

*Edit: Per request, a visual aid to accompany the above described hot-ness:


2. The Whole World is Here
Yes, the entire world has gathered here in Torino. 87 nations have Winter Olympians (out of nearly 200 total), and more than 50% of Winter Olympians are from just 5 nations (Canada, USA, Finland, Norway, Russia). India, with 1.2 billion people, has 4 representatives, or approximately one for every 300 million people. The Winter Games are International!

3. Shani vs. Chad: High Noon on Ice
Shani Davis, Chitown Southsider, White Sox worshipper and fastest man on ice in 1000 meters, became the first gold Winter Olympian to win black…I mean, the first African American Winter Olympian to win gold. Seriously, all joking aside, huge accomplishment. He’s the Jackie Robinson of the Winter Olympics.

Now the controversy. Shani didn’t skate in the Team Relay. The US finished 5th. Chad Hendrick, the man on a quest to win 5 golds (one of those donut medals for each finger on his huge hand), is pissed that Shani didn't skate: “I was part of Team USA. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make my team as strong as it can be. I didn't care about how it was going to affect my individual race. I don't care about that. I care about being part of the team. And all the people who work hard with me on the team, I owe it to them.” Then, when he was asked about whether he was happy for Shani, Chad said he was happy for teammate Joey Cheek. (Joey, Shani, Chad… are these guys the Backstreet Boys?)

Shani said Chad would’ve done the same thing. He said he is here “as an individual.” Shani refused to talk to Big Shot Bob Costas. And Melissa Stark said Shani was “angry.” That’s it, no one offends Melissa!

Then there’s Shani’s mother, Shani’s biggest advocate. She accused the U.S. Speedskating Federation of racism. And she acts like she could’ve raised Venus and Serena and Jessica and Ashley both. But…like the good son he is, Shani said he wouldn’t be anywhere without his mom.

Shani vs. Chad in the 1500 meters. Coming to a TV near you Tuesday. Ahhhh, the gripping drama of speedskating.

4. Are You a Bodeist?
Bode Miller skis drunk! Hey, let’s put him on the cover of Time and Newsweek and
let’s say he’s going to win like a thousand gold medals. Yay! And let’s give him this big Nike campaign where he talks about his “religion.” Cool dude! And then let’s watch him finish fifth (or even fail to finish) in his races. Who cares, he’s so awesome. He skis drunk.

5. NBC’s Novices
I love that people that have never held a microphone in their lives are commentators for the Olympics because they are former Olympians. For example, during the Women’s Bronze Medal Hockey match, a former women's hockey player went mute for a full 5 seconds on air. Fantastic. And then you can’t beat commentary like this in Ice Dancing: “When you’re singing your national anthem, you want to be Whitney Houston, not Roseanne Barr. And they were Whitney right there.”

6. Snowboater… I mean Snowboarder
Lindsey Jacobellis all but won the gold in women’s snowboard cross… and then she decided to pull a Leon Lett on snow. Jacobellis was almost across the finish line when she pulled some crazy Tony Hawk stunt, and then didn’t land it. Faster than you can say “oh shit” she had to settle for Silver. And then faster than you can say “Leon Lett,” Jerry Jones signed her to be the Dallas Cowboys’ new defensive end.

By the way, The U.S.A. has R.O.C.K.’ed in snowboarding. Hannah Tetter and Gretchen Bleiler won gold and silver. Seth Wescott won gold in the very Playstation 2-esque snowboard cross (coolest event at the games). And Shaun White won gold and won a brand new gravity bong so he can sound even more baked when he talks.

7. Apolo Anton OH NO!
He was huge at Salt Lake in 2002. He made millions in endorsements. Then he lived in a closet for 4 years and trained his Anton ass off so he could top himself at the 2006 Games. And so far, he’s got one bronze to show for it. Damn Koreans.

8. The Terrible on Ice
Tied Latvia. Lost to Sweden. Lost to Slovakia. But hey, we beat BORAT and Kazakhstan! Do you like the hockey? I like the hockey. U, S. and A! U, S and A! In Kazakhstan, we have many hobbies: disco dancing, archery, raaaape and table tennis. High Five!

9. Canada: All Bets Off
Well at least the Canadians from Canadia suck too, and hockey is their national pastime. They lost to Finland. They lost to Switzerland. Janet Gretzky is to blame. Word is, she bet on the Fins so Wayne told ‘em to lose (not to start any conspiracy theories or anything).

10. To come… Women’s Figure Skating
Michelle Kwan had to run. Sad to see you go Michelle, but you’ve already been upstaged. For the savior of this year’s games is none other than Sasha Cohen. Thank you Sasha for being so hot.



Posted by: Gaurav*

*Editor's Note: Gaurav is a good friend of mine from undergrad at Vanderbilt University and he is a current 3rd year medical student. I've asked him to contribute whenever he gets free time in his hectic schedule. I'm sure everyone will enjoy his posts. -Matt